49

It's the end of the year and the beginning of the next. I never really understood this night. Just an excuse to get out and drink. Instead I normally get a cold and lose interest. It's now become a point that I'm not interested. A simple gathering of a few family friends, "Happy New Year", to bed. I'd rather just use the day to stay in my PJ's and watch good movies or repeats of my favourite episodes until I fall to sleep. I guess forced celebration isn't my thing. I could say I'm glad this year is almost over, but there's no promises the next one won't turn out the same.

The End.

48

It's Christmas! Well, a day past by the time I'm writing this now. Merry Christmas.
I can't really put any thoughts together since I've been running around like mad the past two days. I need to settle down to figure out these overwhelming times. Will write more when I know more. Have a good few days!

The End.

47

It's snowing. It's more than snowing. It's snowing like crazy!
It's strange to compare one year to another. Last year we didn't get lots of snow until way after Christmas and this year we're covered in it.
It's not melting. It's not icing. It's not even turning into slush since it hasn't had the chance to yet.
It's piling ontop of eachother with no place to go. Our shoveling mounds are already above reaching level and driveways are shrinking from two lanes into one.
Snow white snow, you are beautiful but a pain. If only you could stay this white and beautiful and then just disappear.
Instead we have the duty of cleaning you up after these ongoing drifts for weeks afterward.
From a few days of white wonderland to a few weeks of dirty slush water.
Lovely.

The End.

46

It's the holidays. A time to be happy. I'm trying, I really am. Smile on my face. But if you knew me well, you'd know what's behind that smile. But I'm not here to complain. I'm here to add to my favourite Holiday traditions.
The decorations! But not the tacky outside ones that clash with the beauty of the white glistening layer of snow. I'm talking about the home-y indoor decorations of a tree and ornaments. The garlands on the stairs. The lights around the tree that light up like circling fireflies in the night. The glow of a town of ceramic houses in a town everyone wishes to be in. Covered in cotton snow, with clay people riding in sleighs and heading to their perfect homes in their winter attire.
I love the tradition on the look of winter and Christmas. Everything looks so comforting and warm. The dullest house becomes something new with a few ornaments and tree giving us something to look and dream upon. We dream about the newest year to come and the fantasies of what that could bring. A time of hope and wishing brought on by a few festive traditional elements.

The End.

45

It's a strange thing. The idea of promises you make yourself. Do they really work? Unless you're totally secure and completely unwilling to ever fudge the guidelines of this promise, I say no. You can't promise yourself anything with the parameters we want. Things get in the way. Subjects change. Environments change. The whole idea is outrageous. I find myself promising that I won't look at the clock until I've finished reading this page of an assignment only to look after the next sentence. I don't know if it's just me, but I find unless there's some other motivation, I can be happy fudging my promises to something I'm still okay with. I know me and I know the practicality of me too. I'm flawed and so are the promises I make myself.
But that doesn't mean a promise to someone else will be broken.

The End.

44

I'm being ignored by a few. This whole boy and girl thing just won't let up. Why is it everyone seems to misinterpret the other completely wrong? I never asked for anything. I never expected anything. And now, so things don't get outta control I'm stuck alone. Where is the logic in that? All I want is someone to talk and hang out with and I can barely get two words. I know it's bad timing. Same here. Suck it up. Grow up. Give me the time of day.

The End.

43

I have no distractions. No school. No work. No gatherings in the way. I'm left with my thoughts and I find it's not a nice place to be. I'm going nuts in my mind and I'm not sure which way's up or down anymore. I spent a night even with the TV on cuz I was too tired to even watch something. I listened to music and slept with salted tears on my face. I couldn't breathe. There's so much I can't figure out and still so much to deal with that I can't juggle it in these moments. When I have things to do, I take a quick moment and it's done. But when there's nothing to do, that quick moment can't be cut short. It lingers, and so does the pain. I'm driving myself crazy fighting with this force inside of me. The force that just makes me want to curl up in bed forever. The force that makes me think sleep is best. The force that ends connections. I don't like it and don't want to be there. But even the busy moments I don't have only phase them out for limits of time. I need to deal. I just don't want to. So here I go, fighting.

The End.

42

Hair cuts and cleaned rooms. Practically a tradition after a stressful time when everything's been ignored. I reinvent in a sense by starting fresh and starting over. Like a cleared head in physical terms.
Starting new. Until I need to again.
The End.

41

Almost done all my shopping. That's right. I'm going out before the malls are too busy and avoiding as much chaos as possible. I already have enough of that without adding horrible mall shoppers to it. It's not that I hate shopping. I love it! I shop weekly, but this little fact makes me hate holiday shopping even more. During this time there are so many people that can't navigate themselves through the simplist layout that it drives me made. Newbie shoppers that think every store around them is brand new. Shoppers that tend to stop at the top of an escalator to think. Shoppers that instead of stepping right into a store they slow to beyond a snails pace as they pass by the door blocking the enterance for the five people that actually know they want to enter. Who ever knew that a class could potentially be created to teach people 'how to shop in a mall'? I wish something would exist so I'd never have to endure holiday shopping torture again.

The End.

40

Only a few more exams and then I'll be done. I'm losing motivation and I'm losing speed. Feel like I could sleep forever, but it's not really an option right now. Question after question. Quiz on top of quiz. Two hours gone here and there. I don't get how my brain is still working when I'm overloaded like this.

The End.

39

The food and drinks. Nights of warm, milky hot chocolate. Dinners of Turkey, stuffing, and sweet potatoes. Desserts of Christmas pudding with rum icing. The memories of tastes so distinct, if something changes, you notice. There's always those few classic nights and meals that are so traditional, nothing is real until you have it. That's the way it is with my Christmas. A traditional once had, of Christmas Eve at the Grandparents has changed dates in the past few years. It's a tradition that I love and miss every year on that day. However, it comes in delay and so does Christmas also. It's not officially that time of year until this memorable meal and I cannot wait to taste it again.
I know I don't have much of a reading base. But if you come across this page, I would love to know the one thing that makes the Holiday season real for you. Without, it isn't the same. Thanks.

The End.

38

Study study study. My mind is spinning around in circles! Can't concentrate because I'm so worn out and have so much on my mind. I got to stop doing this to myself around crazy/busy times. How come I can't hold out on the drama until later?
But that's not why I'm writing. Forget the drama. For now at least. My mind needs to process anyway.
Another favourite winter thing... the patterns and colours it brings. A few years ago those crazy christmas sweaters with the snowflake patterns were the tackiest thing, but they're back for the better. Of course, not really my style, I love seeing people embrace the holidays with their own clothing styles. For me, it's bows, slipper socks and patterned boots. For others, jewelery, sweaters, hats, bags. Anything with patterens and colours only acceptable for the embrace of the Christmas season. You really can't wear snowflakes all year 'round (even if you're up north). It just isn't proper or the same. It's the special time of year that makes you long for it for another 330 days to come back again the next year.
So I say welcome back silly sweaters, it's been too long. You're retro cool for at least this year and who knows what will be next?

The End.

37

The Holidays are coming up and I'm getting excited. Things are starting to cool down school wise, but of it's also cooling down outside. Mornings wake me up only because I forget I should be wearing more layers. Of course, waking up makes me want to stay curled up in bed and not have my feet touch the cold wooden floor. But I love the hats and scarfs I can bring out. And nothing's better than wearing comfy cool boots. Not the bulky ones with rubber and drawstrings that are so heavy it's almost like a daily workout, but the ones in cool colours and comfy lining that keep you warm and definitely show my personality. I love the comfort of a boot. It's like a larger slipper on your foot you can wear out of the house, and even the most relaxed style looks fashionably cool.
I'm just rambling here. I think I'll be taking a few posts to say some of my favourite Holiday things. First, warm and comfy winter gear. Tomorrow? Who knows? We'll see what my mood is and what I'm liking that day.

The End.

36

Complete exhaustion. That's what I am. Compared to the days of adrenaline rushes, today's sleep deprivation brought out my early-morning character. The personality I create that no one should see. The one that comes out when I've been woken up against my will. The one that frowns and grumbles when being spoken too unnecessarily. The personality I have that brings out my crabby and moodiness. Leave me alone and don't return until I start to smile. Except today I couldn't be avoided. I has too much to do, which stressed me out and angered me more. I'm glad it's over. No more projects with people that get under my skin. No more phone calls for no appartent reasons. No more meetings that get nothing done. I have individual exams and then time to rest. I'm glad it's finally come. It's been too long.

The End.

35

Sleep. Who needs it? I've gone days without any proper rest. A power nap here. A cup of coffee there. Makes me wonder why bears hibernate for so long anyway? They have fur, and with all that weight they have to have enough fat on their bones and yet they sleep the winter away. How long is a bear's life anyway? The sleep at least half of it away. What a waste. Yet, of course, by the time this is posted I've fallen into a deep full day of slumber.
Oh my life. When do I really get it back?

The End.

34

Gosh. This boy/girl thing is getting complicated. What is it that brings the two guys I like in a subconcious battle with eachother? Niether knows the other, but somehow one knows when I'm talking to the other. At least on a subconcious level. If I haven't heard from one of them, as soon as I start to give up they pop back in just when things are going good with the other.
I can't win! It's like I'm a lab rat and the variables keep changing. They mess with my mind even after I think a decision has been made. The biggest problem is, they are polar opposites and I have a completely different connection with either one. On top of that, one is appartently leaving while the other has been in my life forever only to make some progress now.
It's a tug-of-war and I'm the mark in the middle. Hopefully this is enough of a rant to get me focusing on my final projects again.

The End.

31

Finals. They're almost here and I'm in such relief. There's no reason to break down now (except I still feel like I need too). I'm almost done and then some freedom begins.
Not the best kind of freedom. It's left half empty.
I'm missing people this season. I'm missing traditions. Pieces are broken and things have changed. It's not the same. Never will be again. But I'm glad that something other than the torture I've been through is coming up as a sign of relief.

The End.

32

Sleep. I plan to get some tonight. Hopefully uninterrupted and dreamless. Power-napped today and woke up to the strangest feeling ever. Obviously from reaction remnants of a dream, but I barely recall them now. All I know is I dreamt of meeting someone I had never seen before, which is strange. Can you really dream of someone you haven't met? Aren't dreams the workings of your mind sorting itself out? So who is this unknown being and why couldn't I have sorted out the thought that aren't actually jumbled in my mind and need sorted out. Silly mind, work properly. Stop creating new things and start sorting out the present ones. My mind is too chaotic as it is.

The End.

31

I'm finally able to breathe. At least for a few minutes. It may only be for a short amount of time, but it feels good. I'm finally ending classes and on top of that, half the stress. As each assignment is ending, I feel less trapped. Of course, I have two more presentations, and three more written projects but that's not the point. It's ending, and I'm still surviving. Makes me think I can get through the last bit (or at least pass out trying). I'm still running on little sleep most nights, lots of coffee, and pure adrenaline.
The End.

30

This term has been hectic and these weeks even worse. Full of busy days and lots of confusion.
Lately I feel so stretched out. Imagine a fruit-rollup that's been pulled at every corner just before the hole starts ripping in the middle. That's me. Like a trampoline that's just about to give out. I've grown up into this super responsible person that too many depend on that. At work I find myself doing responsibilities that aren't entailed. At school I'm always depended upon as a leader-type unless there is a strong character willing (there never is). With friends, I arrange the group outings and times together. But it's not fun anymore.
The problem with this is if I give up I feel like a slacker and everything seems to fall through the cracks. Work would be ten times more stress, school projects would never get done, and I'd lose out on great friendships.
There's no win-win here. Maybe someday. I hope.

The End.

29

I'm mellow right now but I should be stressing. I blame it on the beauty of music. I have songs flowing through me that are radiating in a calm, sweet happiness. It's bringing me back to the things that I miss. The things that made me so happy in the moment. The memories that I wait for again. Those moments that will stay everlasting as good moments no matter what bad happens later.
I recommend listening to Snow Patrol's "Set Down Your Glass" if you're wishing for the same soothing qualities.
The End.

28

I'm shivering. It's cold in the house. I should really have some tea or something. I need the caffiene anyway. The whole day was full of stress and arguements.
Group assignments in University are a joke. How can you say 'this is like the REAL world' when in the real world school and work aren't in the way of group meetings?... it is your work! There's no time for anything. We fudge time by skipping the ends of something and arriving late to others. We collect our thoughts in confusion and aggrivation. We ignore our stomachs just to not waste the time consuming anything but knowledge.
I sit here in this cold house as a habit from these learned abilities. Ignore yourself. Ignore the time. Focus.
But it's time to listen and feed myself in warmth and nutrition. The life of a University student.

The End.

27

I'm wearing myself out. So tired yet still refusing to sleep. It's like I'm waiting for something to happen. Is there something I should be doing that only my subconcious knows? Cuz I'm here and I can barely react or see anything but I'm keeping myself up and alive. This can't be good. I want to rest forever. I'm stressed and running off nothing. I have assignments that seem to getting bigger than smaller every minute and the opposite for the allotted time leftover. I think I'll try forcing sleep since I'm not physically willing to go. I will move myself outta this chair with the sheer force of my mind and have a dreamless slumber for the short hours that are left in this evening.

The End.

26

I need an escape of some sort. A trip. A few days to myself. A day with no annoyances or obligations. A time where I can relax and rid myself of everything. A day to breakdown and recover. A day to be myself with no masks or characters to play. A time to change the atmosphere around me.
I need it but can't have it.
There is no time. This structure of numers and days has destroyed us all as we race around trying to accomplish too much in the full circle of a clock.
I'm worn out and this remains hidden to allude that I'm alright. I hope I find a gap in this structured schedule of time soon.
The End.

25

Lack of sleep and focused concentration have revealed interesting moments. I've seen things at the corner of my eye that turn out to be nothing. I've consumed many cups of caffiene to keep my zombie-like body going. I've ran around in circles of adrenaline rushes just to keep myself moving expecting to crash any minute. I didn't crash. I haven't crashed. I'm still alive and awake and coherent. How is this possible? I don't know. My batteries have barely had a quick-charge and yet they're still going like I'm the bunny. I hope all this changes soon. It can't be good. I can't afford a complete burnout.

The End.

24

It's been a long time. A really long time. It feels like a whole life could fit in the gap from then and now but things don't change much.
I'm still dealing with even more in my life. The bricks keep getting laid, but they're crooked and jagged and waiting to topple. I keep picking them up just before, but I know they'll fall soon.
The pressure is getting to me. School, work, family, friends, life. The only constant I have is my music. It keeps piling up too. Album upon album of comforting melodies. Some comfort in ways that depress while others hold as a great morning pick-me-up.
I missed my writing, I hope to keep it going again as another constant in my life. We shall see what happens.

The End.

23

I'm numb and don't know what to do with myself. I can fake cheerful in a matter of seconds but as soon as the moment is over I go back to what I was before. I stare at nothing. I don't look many in the face. I look for comfort in the leaning on a shoulder or a calm and peaceful voice. I lost a familar life this week. Not my own but one that will always be part of me. A family member. A friend. A storyteller. A memorable voice. I will miss them greatly and until I fully process, I am left numb and not myself.
The End.

22

When I look in the mirror I see a ghost. The ghost is me.
I'm pale and white, and as I look more closely I have no colour in my cheeks.
My eyes are open, but the soul they guard looks empty.
Not a single expression can made forced onto my face.
I am lifeless.
I am scared as hell.
I don't want this to be the end of the body that I'm praying for.
It leaves me empty, with little hope.
When I look in the mirror I am a ghost.

The End.

21

It's a hard time here. I have bad news all around me and it's getting to me. The problem with that is that I'm so good at hiding everything that's affecting that no one knows. To some that would be perfect. To me, it makes me wonder why I do it? Why do I hide something so close to me? Another thing that gets to me, how come no one can tell? I need someone to know what I'm going through, someone that can tell straight away. I need someone I don't hesitate to speak to where it doesn't matter where or when I do it. Of course, at this moment I'm even hiding the news to a sibling or two so that they can enjoy their evening at prom. Thats however, it out of protectiong for them, not me. I don't think I need all the protecting I guard myself with, but who knows? I;ve come accustomed to my walls. Could I ever break them down?
The End.

20

Dressed up today cause I was in a low mood from the minute I woke up. Hope it works. A cute skirt and accessories can go a long way and I must say it's better than wearing what my mind was thinking, which was sweats and a comfy tee. Of course, I have feuding weather that is pushing me to stay mellow by raining nonstop. Girl and Boy drama has started again, but I don't want to share too much right now. Getting back to its old roots I think. It will take time. I hate time. Time is not my friend. It lags things too much. I wish time could befriend me and be on my side for once. I need the perfect amount but it never works out.

The End.

19

Traveled home by train today. It's not a new thing. I've done it many times before. Had a job where I was taking it daily a while back. I stood there in my mellow mood watching the train pass by as it slowly came to a hault and couldn't help but notice the reflections. All these faces with the same expression, all with the same thought in mind "I'm going to find a seat HERE." All knowing their next step. It's a strange way to look around but you can see quite a bit as a train whooshes by. Five people at least to each side of you, those starring through on the other side of the track, and those in the train already. But seeing me there seemed strange. A warped image as my ghost-like reflection goes in and out of window and metal. Raised bolts on the train carts muffle my reflection but I am still the same. I don't move and yet I trail in and out with my hair swaying in the breeze. A peaceful moment. A expression. One moment in time.

The End.

18

I've been home for a while now and it's funny how little has happened. It's nice not having the rush back into things but I feel it coming. Interviews and acceptance. Things are changing and the summer will soon pick up. I'm excited for the change. Hopefully it will help brighten up this mood I fall back to way too often. Summer seems to be a time of change and adaption, sometimes more than Fall. Hope I can find my new self in all this change. That's all I want.
The End.

17

Who takes the first step? It shouldn't be a question but it always seems to be.

After a fight. After some distance and time. After a great night. Who takes the first step?

I guess it comes down to a bravery thing. There's always those thoughts that come up though: Why must I do it? Don't I always make the first step? Isn't it their turn? Would I be too pushy? Should I give them more time?

My stupid mind questions too much sometimes. We all go through it. It's one of those games we deny to be a part of. Why does anything have to be a guessing game to begin with? Some jump into whatever without questioning. I like that idea, but it's not me. Analytical me.

Who takes the first step? I know while I think this through, a few days will pass and no step will be made.

The End.

16

Leaving for some time is such a romantic idea. Not that it's covered in roses and soft music under the moonlight. It's because it's a way escape, leave all that is pressuring, and pretend to forget about all that has quickly vanished due to the vast distance between you and those problems. It is romantic for that fact that it can only be obtained for limited periods of time and it is a beautiful but unrealistic time.

I leave for vacation. Spend my days wandering to new places where other just like me are doing the same. I was able to discover new and glorious adventures. I was able to be myself with the fact that no one there knew me. I had no obligations and escaped the clouds that normally cover my mind.

I get home. Slowly but surely those clouds are getting darker over my head. Makes you wonder if the escape was ever worth it doesn't it? I had my breathe of clear fresh air and I'm back to where I was pre-trip. I just hope I can hold my breathe a little longer and keep some of that good air with me. Is it strange to have the hope that it did me well and things will now change? I think so, but I'm holding onto that hope anyway.

The End.

15

Today is a lovely day. The trees are green. The dandelions are starting to blow in the perfect breeze. The sun is high in the sky. The neighbourhood is the most peaceful it's been in weeks. It's a great day, at all ends and yet it's empty. Sunday used to be a family day and now it's full of people running around doing our own things. My sibling has homework, my mother is helping as usual, my father is out and about on some new date of his. I miss the structure and regularities of being a child. Everything was exciting and new. Sundays were days I'd awake to pots and pans clanging to scramble eggs and fry up blueberry pancakes. That was at the old house. That was what seems like a lifetime ago. That is what I miss today. The old traditions. The ones you look back on and find them to be perfect. Those memories that are so vague they are now only held onto by a small graphic or sound. So little detail is left in your mind but that's what makes it perfect. Your mind wanders in and out of that thought and nothing seems to be wrong. A small memory of traditional moments that can never be repeated for what they were. I'd replace this lovely day to hear those pots and pans and taste those smells again.
The End.

14

i've made it a mission to have good times before my vacation. it's gone pretty well. i know once i come back, my fantasy summer will be gone and it will be covered in employment of some sort. i leave pretty soon and will be blogging no more til i get back (unless i use the timed blogger posts which sounds really cool.) ok. so here i go, from the intro to a story or something out of my mind.

a while ago i thought i this idea. one that's been on my mind for a while. it seems to me we hide true emotions very well. they can crawl to the back of our minds and be frozen in time until the next conveinent moment to let it out. we are actors all playing our roles in work, in classes, in hangouts, in nights out, in dates, and sometimes even when we are alone. there are so many parts to learn about ourselves that can take years to unravel and discover. true emotions can be so hidden the come out in artistic and true moments of our subconscious abilities.
what i'm getting with this is the fact that we only show what we choose to the world. we wear masks like Hexadecimal from the show Reboot but unlike hers, ours tend to hide our true face of emotions.
So i ask, if we all wore masks to show our true emotions, how many of us would be wearing a smile?
The End

13

Have you ever thought if you left everything for a week of silence from the world, from life, from friends, from family, from crisis, from the internet, from everything around you... have you ever thought you'd be missed? you'd be wanted in that time? you were needed for something only you could fix? there'd be many messages on your phone, on your web connections, in the mail?
If it was possible would you risk the thought and disappear?
Have you ever thought you'd discover something about yourself in a time such as that? you'd discover true friends? you'd discover how connected you actually were?
I don't think I could really disappear such as that. The joy I find is mostly in the interactions I have with close friends. I have thought of the idea though, and wonder. There's so many possibilities and fears that come with the thought. Somehow, the idea still plays around in my head.
The End.

12

It's been an odd few weeks full of self doubt and secluded moments. They've been fair and good and have treated me kindly. An obsession with dishes has become my grand distraction. Soothing yet not enough to brighten any mood. Of course, music becomes the master helper in these efforts to turn around a mood. It has lead me to an album gifted to me around Christmas from my folkie Uncle by Nick Drake. A great artist that wasn't put unpon any pedestal during his music career.

I've been listening constantly to the Pink Moon Album and it's not only light, calm and mellowing, it has a sound of seclusion and reflection that really relates to me right now. I think that everyone has those times of depression to fight through. I've been there before and ever since I fight so hard to stay away. Half the time it ends up being through pathetic distractions of hang outs and cleaning (most of which I'm using right now) but I say, as long as your fighting your way through, isn't it worth it?

Some don't survive through great depressions. After becoming fascinated with Nick Drake's music, I found him to be one. I'm no expert in the matter. Far from it. But I think it's worth trying to recover from. I won't get into details or debates. I had a few written and felt like it wasn't right to touch on my opinions in the matter compared to others. All I can say is, I'm in a bad place to be and with everything I have I'm fighting for survival. It's a tough and lonely world we live in, I hope I can just make it through and find some joy again.

The End.

11

I don't know if I've ever felt more alone than now. Of course, it could be the alcohol talking, or the crabiness I recieved as a result from trying to speak to my brother, but it feels like one of those moments. People downstairs, but no one to call. I'm outta school and recently jobless so it leaves hours of thinking in which I probably shouldn't be doing. Being a girl, you can only think so much until you start running circles in your head of things on your mind over and over again. Different scenarios, all variables of the last only slightly realistic, but all remotely true. Anyways... my thought process has lead me to the realization that I am at a low. I know I have been for some time but now, being angered by those downstairs watching a favourite movie of mine, I am here ranting of how rude and inconsiderate they are. I am ranting about how they know me even less than I thought. I am ranting about how I still don't know myself enough and my true emotions. And in my mind, I'm still running through the guy/girl story in my mind and why it has still gone so wrong.
The End.

10

I'm in the double digits of my posts. I know it's not much but frequent stories get harder to do. Hopefully I'll be making the triples in a few months time.

With that said, it brings my back to grade 2 when as a class we counted to 100. It was a big deal because in the end we got a big party to celebrate. There were coloured popsicle sticks that got grouped into tens, and I remember thinking it took forever to get to 100 days. If you think about it, 100 days is pretty long. That's over a quarter of a year. When it comes to television, 100 episodes takes about 5 seasons to reach that mark. 100 cd's in a collection costs well over 1500 dollars. (And I have MANY albums in my collection.) So we'll see. If I reach 100, I'll celebrate with a new look, one that's a little less generica for the Blogger page. But til then, a lot can happen.

Things to happen lately:
- Class marks are coming up. Not too excited to find that out.
- I have a trip coming up so I should really start sorting through my wardrobe to pick and choose.
- Canada has become cold and wet. It finally looks like spring, and the birds won't stop singing. Seriously, listen tonight and you'll probably still here a bird chirpping.
- I'm running so low on money and still have yet to find a job.

The End.

9

I'm having a lounge day from the rest of the world, trying to feel like myself again. There's been so much pressure from people lately it's hard to just snub off anymore. But, like always, I'm trying.
So I've sat here and tried to catch up on a few things going on in my life. Contact some friends as they come back home from schools, wish a few luck on their last exams, message some I haven't seen or heard in a while. I've been debating a few ideas in my mind, none at which I would like to state right now.
Girl and Boy are patching things up slowly. Miscommunications got the best of a few situations and I'm hoping it's the same for another friend of mine.
I answered the door to a guy wanting to sell something today. My lounge day has consisted of PJ's and a sweatshirt. When I opened the door he asked for my parents. I'm staying optimistic about that fact and I guess I can be happy that I can still pass off as a kid when I want to get out of things.
The End.

8

When did it become so hard to talk? It's like losing your voice to emotions and never getting it back. Why is it when someone expresses something to another person everything has to go silent? Whether it's love or anger changing the subject is harder than it is to do during a heated debate. I've had two opposite incidences that don't make any sense:

1. A friend of mine has canceled on me over and over again since she's traveling back and forth and caught up in school auditions and job interviews. It's been a crazy month or so for me and everything she was doing started to piss me off. But when I do a bit of a rant of emotions and wish her luck for her interview I'm left with nothing. No "thanks for the wishes", no "piss off I'm busy", no "I'm sorry", no "Hey how's it going?". When did people become so tied up and inconsiderate? You try to make a great support system of friends but when you need someone most, there's no one.

2. Someone expressed a few great things to me and it became a few ackward months of chats back and forth. But now it's become damn igorance of everything and I'm here wondering, "what the hell is up?" Gosh! If you want to take it back, take it back. I'm fine with what we were before. Leave it and lets move on. I've been here before, and friends is fine with me. Just let me know. Why keep it silent and strange? Recant, change the subject, and leave it at that. Why do we always tend to complicate things when they don't have to be? And when did it become so hard to be honest? When it's eating away at everyone when they're not, is that any better?

the end.

7

A bit about me.

I am not really S.D./sweetdarlin. It's my alias.
My real name is unique in pronounication and spelling. Many people have tried both, most have failed.
I'm a music freak but I try to hold off of speaking it here.
Coffee keeps me going but sleep is also nice.
I have eclectic taste which normally does not repeat itself. Therefore, I'm hard to shop for and impossible to figure out.
Half the time I don't even know what's running through my mind. It scares me. If I can't figure it out, who will?
I'm a secretive person, but I don't want to be here.
I have more of an imagination now than I did growing up.
I wish the world wasn't tied down so much.

The end.

6

I've been caught up with stuff lately, but not without this in the back of my mind. Horrible and memorable flashback number two:

I was about 5 years back, maybe a bit more but it still feels like it could've happened last week. Of course, all has been forgiven, but back then it was hard to deal with. My parents were having a real bad time and I remember seeing my dad come home and he would just sit infront of a movie and try to hold every emotion in. Depression hit him hard and confusion even harder. Like I said, it was a bad time.

One night we decided (me and my dad) to go to our favourite ice cream place down the road. It was a colder night so we drove. Halfway there I got this feeling in my chest like something bad was going to happen. Not even halfway there my heart was pounding and my mind was racing. This time I was the one fighting tears, but it was no use. My eyes were pouring and there was no stopping (for at least an hour). As soon as he could, my Dad pulled over on a tiny side street and we just sat there. Without any words I knew that was it for my parents. He didn't even get a chance to say it was over. Intuition beat him to it.

I don't think we ever made it for ice cream. If we did, I think it tasted as good as usual. That was a hard time for me and playing it back never helps my mind. I remember hearing people walk by that side street as we sat there in the car. I remember huddling as they finally noticed there were people in there. I remember not being able to see there faces cause of the tears in my eyes. It's probably best I didn't. I wouldn't want more to remember than that.

The end.

5

where to start? where oh where?
as promised. a few swirling bad memories are to be revealed starting with this:

A few years back now I was working at a small boutique by the water. This was somewhere around the 12th grade, I think. Being a small store, there were many shifts spent working alone and many shifts that I wouldn't want to remember. A homeless man would pop in and out of the stores in the neighbourhood and on occasions I heard stories of him stealing the honey bottles from the coffee shop down the block. The being close to the water, the buildings are smaller and the sun glared in brightly enough to light up the shop. I remember times where large trucks would pass by and stop for the stop sign. For the seconds where your eyes start to adjust the whole place could go black and then flicker back in the sunlight again. Great place to work and it definitely got more than three strikes before I was out. One strike though, I hope never happens again.

Due to many hours of repeats of 'Sex and the City' I came across an episode in which Carrie was dumped by a post it, and since then, my worst breakup comes to mind.

I was working a shift, alone, with the promise of my boyfriend visiting and rescueing me away for a date later that night. In short, he came in while I was tied up with a few things, said a quick "hi" and went for a walk in the neighbourhood. To my surprise, he was a few hours late and in a low mood. A while later, free of duties until another customer showed their face, he came back. With a hug, and a rather strange kiss on the forehead, it was over. No real reason (but there never is, is there?), leaving me with 4 more hours of my shift ahead of me to work through the shock of it all. While this was not a post it, at least Carrie had a lonesome time to deal with the aftermath. I, on the other hand, had jewelery and hairpieces to sell.

So there you go. One incedent I hope does not repeat itself. For you, and for me.
The end.

4

i'm sitting here after doing a few bits for class wondering what's going on? there's so many flashbacks of my past coming back that aren't ones i like to replay. from one to another they're jumping continously and i'm not too fond of it. hope it stops soon. replaying bad work experiences, bad relationships, and a really good "knack" for intuition isn't really my most favoured moments. maybe sharing them will help. who knows? so here's to the next week or too of spilling vague moments of my life for you to read....
to be continued.
the end.

3

countdown til the end is on. projects are finishing up and finding study time is getting more pressed. but i must say, the closer we get to finishing these assignments the crazier our mindset is. nothing is thought up normally and everything is said with laughter. i guess that's what makes it still tolerable. the surprises of humour are always worth the time. today didn't lack any either. it's nice having groups of friends that can joke about everything especially in serious situations. i'm not sure about you but serious and ackward moments to me always need a little humour and something that still maintains amusement.
i'm still finding time to stress though. and still gaining the nerve to figure this girl and boy situation.
wish me luck and i'll wish it likewise.
the end.

2

i'm sitting here listening to mellow tones trying to leave my funk state. it's strange, most would probably counter-act the feeling with something upbeat. i like to experience the funk to be able to hop away from it. sometimes it works, sometimes it's worse.
so here it goes (at least i hope). the funk found from a long spell of nothing. girl meets boy. girl and boy hang out as friends. boy admits good things girl is glad to here. girl stops hearing from boy. a long stop.
confusion at it's peak around the worst time in the world. from class final to class final its hard to wonder if it's final as well. what led to such a confusing time. things that seemed to be working out finally just froze indefintely.
the end.

1

it's been a long week. a very long week. miscommunications. mishaps. missed sleep. missed calls.
classes are ended oh-so fast and they're taking me with 'em. i've lost a lot of time fretting on too many things that shouldn''t be my focus right now. but isn't that how it always happens?
when does the drama happen at a time where nothing else is happening i ask? never.
but does it always have to happen around finals?
i'm not one that can push things to the back of my head to come back to later. it lingers. its stresses. it pulls my stomach into knots. meals are eaten with queeziness and sleep has strange dreams in this mood. i get the nerves like no other.
hidden under so much disguise is the nervous wreck of me. only seen with a hidden glance. discovering this side of me is what one rarely does.
two more weeks and i can finally deal with these things properly again.
the end.