49

It's the end of the year and the beginning of the next. I never really understood this night. Just an excuse to get out and drink. Instead I normally get a cold and lose interest. It's now become a point that I'm not interested. A simple gathering of a few family friends, "Happy New Year", to bed. I'd rather just use the day to stay in my PJ's and watch good movies or repeats of my favourite episodes until I fall to sleep. I guess forced celebration isn't my thing. I could say I'm glad this year is almost over, but there's no promises the next one won't turn out the same.

The End.

43

I have no distractions. No school. No work. No gatherings in the way. I'm left with my thoughts and I find it's not a nice place to be. I'm going nuts in my mind and I'm not sure which way's up or down anymore. I spent a night even with the TV on cuz I was too tired to even watch something. I listened to music and slept with salted tears on my face. I couldn't breathe. There's so much I can't figure out and still so much to deal with that I can't juggle it in these moments. When I have things to do, I take a quick moment and it's done. But when there's nothing to do, that quick moment can't be cut short. It lingers, and so does the pain. I'm driving myself crazy fighting with this force inside of me. The force that just makes me want to curl up in bed forever. The force that makes me think sleep is best. The force that ends connections. I don't like it and don't want to be there. But even the busy moments I don't have only phase them out for limits of time. I need to deal. I just don't want to. So here I go, fighting.

The End.

24

It's been a long time. A really long time. It feels like a whole life could fit in the gap from then and now but things don't change much.
I'm still dealing with even more in my life. The bricks keep getting laid, but they're crooked and jagged and waiting to topple. I keep picking them up just before, but I know they'll fall soon.
The pressure is getting to me. School, work, family, friends, life. The only constant I have is my music. It keeps piling up too. Album upon album of comforting melodies. Some comfort in ways that depress while others hold as a great morning pick-me-up.
I missed my writing, I hope to keep it going again as another constant in my life. We shall see what happens.

The End.

20

Dressed up today cause I was in a low mood from the minute I woke up. Hope it works. A cute skirt and accessories can go a long way and I must say it's better than wearing what my mind was thinking, which was sweats and a comfy tee. Of course, I have feuding weather that is pushing me to stay mellow by raining nonstop. Girl and Boy drama has started again, but I don't want to share too much right now. Getting back to its old roots I think. It will take time. I hate time. Time is not my friend. It lags things too much. I wish time could befriend me and be on my side for once. I need the perfect amount but it never works out.

The End.

13

Have you ever thought if you left everything for a week of silence from the world, from life, from friends, from family, from crisis, from the internet, from everything around you... have you ever thought you'd be missed? you'd be wanted in that time? you were needed for something only you could fix? there'd be many messages on your phone, on your web connections, in the mail?
If it was possible would you risk the thought and disappear?
Have you ever thought you'd discover something about yourself in a time such as that? you'd discover true friends? you'd discover how connected you actually were?
I don't think I could really disappear such as that. The joy I find is mostly in the interactions I have with close friends. I have thought of the idea though, and wonder. There's so many possibilities and fears that come with the thought. Somehow, the idea still plays around in my head.
The End.

12

It's been an odd few weeks full of self doubt and secluded moments. They've been fair and good and have treated me kindly. An obsession with dishes has become my grand distraction. Soothing yet not enough to brighten any mood. Of course, music becomes the master helper in these efforts to turn around a mood. It has lead me to an album gifted to me around Christmas from my folkie Uncle by Nick Drake. A great artist that wasn't put unpon any pedestal during his music career.

I've been listening constantly to the Pink Moon Album and it's not only light, calm and mellowing, it has a sound of seclusion and reflection that really relates to me right now. I think that everyone has those times of depression to fight through. I've been there before and ever since I fight so hard to stay away. Half the time it ends up being through pathetic distractions of hang outs and cleaning (most of which I'm using right now) but I say, as long as your fighting your way through, isn't it worth it?

Some don't survive through great depressions. After becoming fascinated with Nick Drake's music, I found him to be one. I'm no expert in the matter. Far from it. But I think it's worth trying to recover from. I won't get into details or debates. I had a few written and felt like it wasn't right to touch on my opinions in the matter compared to others. All I can say is, I'm in a bad place to be and with everything I have I'm fighting for survival. It's a tough and lonely world we live in, I hope I can just make it through and find some joy again.

The End.