43

I have no distractions. No school. No work. No gatherings in the way. I'm left with my thoughts and I find it's not a nice place to be. I'm going nuts in my mind and I'm not sure which way's up or down anymore. I spent a night even with the TV on cuz I was too tired to even watch something. I listened to music and slept with salted tears on my face. I couldn't breathe. There's so much I can't figure out and still so much to deal with that I can't juggle it in these moments. When I have things to do, I take a quick moment and it's done. But when there's nothing to do, that quick moment can't be cut short. It lingers, and so does the pain. I'm driving myself crazy fighting with this force inside of me. The force that just makes me want to curl up in bed forever. The force that makes me think sleep is best. The force that ends connections. I don't like it and don't want to be there. But even the busy moments I don't have only phase them out for limits of time. I need to deal. I just don't want to. So here I go, fighting.

The End.

6

I've been caught up with stuff lately, but not without this in the back of my mind. Horrible and memorable flashback number two:

I was about 5 years back, maybe a bit more but it still feels like it could've happened last week. Of course, all has been forgiven, but back then it was hard to deal with. My parents were having a real bad time and I remember seeing my dad come home and he would just sit infront of a movie and try to hold every emotion in. Depression hit him hard and confusion even harder. Like I said, it was a bad time.

One night we decided (me and my dad) to go to our favourite ice cream place down the road. It was a colder night so we drove. Halfway there I got this feeling in my chest like something bad was going to happen. Not even halfway there my heart was pounding and my mind was racing. This time I was the one fighting tears, but it was no use. My eyes were pouring and there was no stopping (for at least an hour). As soon as he could, my Dad pulled over on a tiny side street and we just sat there. Without any words I knew that was it for my parents. He didn't even get a chance to say it was over. Intuition beat him to it.

I don't think we ever made it for ice cream. If we did, I think it tasted as good as usual. That was a hard time for me and playing it back never helps my mind. I remember hearing people walk by that side street as we sat there in the car. I remember huddling as they finally noticed there were people in there. I remember not being able to see there faces cause of the tears in my eyes. It's probably best I didn't. I wouldn't want more to remember than that.

The end.